Ideas to Improve My Essay

After getting back my first draft essay on the conflict between individuality and society, I noticed that I must address the following issues on my writing. First, a large problem that exists throughout my paragraphs is the wordiness and overuse of complex words for each sentence. I need to shorten these sentences into concise, clear ones in order to better communicate my ideas to the reader. Another clear problem is the vagueness on my thesis. Though I have had trouble putting my thesis into words, I should revise it in order to make it more understandable. The third problem with the essay is the lack of clear analysis or connection to the thesis afterwards in my body paragraphs. I should either add more analysis and connect them to the thesis(so that I don't simply present a quote and describe it,then move on), or replace my quotes with stronger ones that fit my thesis.

Working Draft on Individual vs. Society: Two Paragraphs for now

In a society, sets of moral and cultural codes exist as universally communicated standards for its people to abide to despite the codes' frequent intrusions and violations towards the individual's self-identity, privacy, and beliefs. For a society, these standards represent its interests and needs that benefit it and its people as a whole and disregard the opposing interests of individuals; rather, the status as ubiquitous standards encourages the backlash against the views that contradict society's. Yet, for the individual, social customs risk harming his individuality, his self-portrayal based on his characteristics, interests, actions, and beliefs. To contradict those codes would lead to condemnation and ostracization towards the individual.  But, despite being social beings wanting to help out their people and fearing ostracization, individuals should not relinquish their individuality entirely to the point where they merely follow what society tells them without forming opinions. Though to help a group society, individuals should partially abide to conformity, only to the extent to which their beliefs strongly contradict society's interests and preserve their identity. In Jane Austen's novel Pride and Prejudice, an eighteen century rural English society encourages young women to marry wealthy, genteel young men for the high social relations and wealth. In villages, the romantic and social scene of a ball encourages the courting of the young and wealthy. Yet, this interest in marrying for wealth, which families often encourage, leads to marriages without the consideration of love. However, the young Elizabeth Bennet asserts her individuality by refusing to marry simply for wealth and social relations, and she stands by her belief in marrying for love. Despite risking her socioeconomic status , Elizabeth saves herself for a loving, happy marriage. (rewrite thesis)Therefore, though conformity helps the needs of a group, it should be limited to the extent to which an individual's beliefs and interests outweigh the group's benefits and do not strongly contradict the group’s interests.

The social norm of marrying into wealth often dictates young women’s attitudes towards marriage without the consideration of the women’s beliefs. For the adult daughter of the Lucas family, Charlotte approaches the age at which she would not be as young as other women prime for marriage into wealth and the highly social English lifestyle. In desperation to find her partner, Charlotte quickly marries Mr. Collins for the sake of conformity, it was the only honourable provision for well-educated young women of small fortune”(Austen 85). Believing that marriage is the only success for young women, Charlotte completely conforms to social norms. She views marriage into wealth as economic security and thereby allows social norms to form her opinions on marriage. However, Elizabeth Bennet differs from Charlotte in her affinity to individuality. After Mr. Collins shockingly proposes to Elizabeth, Elizabeth stands by her belief in marrying for love rather than wealth, "You could not make me happy...in making me the offer, you must have satisfied the delicacy of your feelings with regard to my family, and may take possession of Longbourn estate...without any self-reproach"(Austen 74). Not only does Bennet assert her individuality in her refusal to marry based on the lack of love, but she also refuses to marry Mr. Collins to preserve her pride; she refuses to be manipulated into marriage simply to acquire her family's estate and to get rid of Mr. Collins' guilt. She decides not to be passive and conforming, but rather to be independent of social norms. In Charlotte's situation, although Charlotte conforms to the societal ideal of marriage, she manages to secure her lifestyle and socioeconomic status in her marriage to Mr. Collins with the jovial acceptance of her family; therefore, both conformity and independent interests are satisfied. Yet, in Elizabeth's case, Elizabeth's firm belief in love for marrying despite the societal pressure from her mother and acquaintances demonstrates the assertion of her own core beliefs needed in an individual to preserve their individuality and prevent social norms from completely overtaking it.

Ranking Essays

Using an essay rubric handed out during class, I ranked three sample essays today as I read the thesis, structure, evidence, analysis, and style of the essays. For the first essay, the thesis is very straightforward and understandable. Throughout the entire essay, the writer maintains a strong, logical structure with counterarguments sided along each other and smooth transitions between analyses and evidence. As a reader, I was able to read through the essay very easily thanks to its clear,smooth style of writing and the clear connections made between the analyses of evidence and the thesis. Using the rubric, I'd rank this essay as an A.
     For the second essay, the contents in the introduction was vague; the sentences before the thesis seem to be a longer re-phrase of the thesis with little detail and structured as a list. In the analyses, the writer makes some connections to the thesis, yet restate the thesis in counterarguments rather than going into deeper analysis.This essay receives a B.
      For the third essay, the writer includes mostly in his introduction an opposing technique writers generally do (" a formal introduction of characters"), and therefore puts less focus on his position. I immediately noticed grammatical errors that make the writer's ideas vague and generally difficult to communicate to the reader, too. As for the evidence, the writer introduced few examples throughout his essay. For the first body paragraphs, the writer analyzes portions of the novel without specific evidence. In some cases, the writer makes weak connections to the thesis or none at all (the ideas presented in the second body paragraph do not seem to connect to the thesis). Overall, I'd rank this essay as a C.

Individuality Vs. Society: The Extent of Compromise (A Working Intro)

In a society, sets of moral and cultural codes exist as universally communicated standards for its people to abide to despite the codes' frequent intrusions and violations towards the individual's self-identity, privacy, and beliefs. For a society or a group, these standards represent its interests and needs that benefit it and its people as a whole and disregard the opposing interests of individuals; rather, the status as ubiquitous standards encourages the backlash against the views that contradict society's. For the individual,  social customs risk tainting his individuality, his self-portrayal based on his characteristics, interests,actions, and beliefs. To contradict society's standards for the sake of individuality would lead to condemnation and ostracization towards the individual. Despite being social beings wanting to help out their people and fearing ostracization, individuals should not relinquish their individuality entirely to the point where they would be considered babbitts in modern society. Yet, to help a group society, individuals should abide to conformity, only to the extent to which their beliefs strongly contradict society's interests and preserve their identity. In Jane Austen's novel Pride and Prejudice, the second oldest daughter of five in the Bennet family, Elizabeth Bennet is considered prime for marriage into wealth and high social relations under society's standards and her mother Mrs. Bennet's interests. Due to the entail of the Bennet estate not including the five Bennet daughters, Mrs. Bennet persistently searches for opportunities to have her daughters married into wealth, thereby conforming to social standards yet also helping the family benefit as a whole. Though Elizabeth conforms by participating in common social gatherings that encourage courting for marriage, she asserts her individuality by refusing to marry simply for wealth and social relations, and stands by her belief in marrying for love. Though risking the loss of her socio-economic status and the gain of fortune, Elizabeth preserves her beliefs that reflect her individuality. And despite not immediately marrying for wealth, she and her sisters remain with a plenty of opportunities to marry, and possibly with the individual benefit of happiness. Therefore, though conformity helps the needs of a group society, it should be limited to the extent to which an individual's beliefs and interests outweigh the group's benefits  and do not strongly contradict those of the group.

Marvell's "To His Coy Mistress"

In Marvell's "To His Coy Mistress", the speaker challenges the coyness of a lady he is courting, and desires her to engage in carnal and youthful love with him rather than waiting for their love to develop slowly. The speaker emphasizes the need for rapid development of their relationship whilst "the youthful hue/ Sits on thy skin like morning dew" to take advantage of the invigoration of youth that transfers to the amorous and sensual relationships of the young. For the first half of the poem, the speaker proclaims the gradual development of their love if it were allowed to develop to eternity in an amorous tone. However, he makes a transition in the middle, claiming that the inevitable effects of time will wither her beauty and his lust for her. Thus, in the end, he makes a pragmatic argument in the end- to persuade her to engage in youthful love before time withers it away.

A Book I will Re-read

For my senior year, I would like to make the commitment of re-reading one of my favorite novels, The Catcher in the Rye by late J.D. Salinger. Since the book was one of my first novels to read and analyze at a higher education level (my transition from public to private school education), I want to understand how much I have improved throughout my years in Buckley. But I also want to re-read the novel to enjoy the aspects of the novel that influenced me to choose it- the controversial character and his plight with the corruption of adulthood tainting the innocence of kids and his own view as a savior for the kids, while he remains between the boundaries of childhood and adulthood. Once in a while, I pick up the book from my shelves and read excerpts from it. But for this year, I intend to read through at least half of it despite my senior schedule.