Ideas to Improve My Essay

After getting back my first draft essay on the conflict between individuality and society, I noticed that I must address the following issues on my writing. First, a large problem that exists throughout my paragraphs is the wordiness and overuse of complex words for each sentence. I need to shorten these sentences into concise, clear ones in order to better communicate my ideas to the reader. Another clear problem is the vagueness on my thesis. Though I have had trouble putting my thesis into words, I should revise it in order to make it more understandable. The third problem with the essay is the lack of clear analysis or connection to the thesis afterwards in my body paragraphs. I should either add more analysis and connect them to the thesis(so that I don't simply present a quote and describe it,then move on), or replace my quotes with stronger ones that fit my thesis.